Wednesday, December 10, 2014


Dear Hubby and I just returned from a much needed weeks vacation in was heaven.
Over the course of the holiday a few of my suspicions were confirmed:
1. Why Liz never flies coach
2. Why animals eat their young
3.Why German chemist Justus von Liebig invented the mirror

It was a beautiful resort, close to Montego Bay, the Rui. Fabulous food, service, fun and frolic. While we were there the resort hosted the Miss Global International Pageant so that every woman on the resort could feel inferior for a complete week. Beautiful young woman that oozed perfection, quite talented, educated, and poised. They had to be, with 500 men drooling and oogling over them all week poolside. Dear Hubby was banned from that side of the pool. Miss Russia was a contestant and I swear the G8 had imposed an embargo on food for the last 20 years as this girl was slim....she must have been raised on boiled turnip roots, her legs were as skinny as my index finger. Turns out Miss Martinique was the fairest of them all.

They had amazing food at the resort, selection galore with specialty restaurants as well. We loved the steak house and did manage to dine there twice during our stay. We learned rather quickly though, to order the steaks cooked a few levels higher than you normally would...example; if you wanted your steak well done, ask for it to be cremated, if you wanted it medium, ask for it well done. If you ordered rare, they literally just walked the cow to your table and stuck a fork in it! It's all good, a learning experience.
What's also a learning experience is to prebook your seat on your return flight home. It wasn't our fault, we weren't dilly dawdling and we aren't those type of passengers that they are holding the flight for just before take off. We were picked up at our hotel at the scheduled time, driven to the airport and arrived... the last people in line at the Sunwing check-in. I swear to God, there was NO ONE behind us in line. We get to the counter to find there are no remaining seats together on the plane. They can only sit us behind each other in rows at the back of the plane. Dear Hubby gets a window seat and I luck out with the middle seat behind him. What can you do...I would prefer to go down in a flaming screaming ball of fire while holding onto Dear Hubby, but alas this was as close as they could get us together.
So we are two of the last passengers to board the flight and as we are getting close to the back of the plane I'm eyeing what seats are remaining. There are only two. Dear Hubby's appears to be beside a Mom, Dad and under 2 year old little girl...I'm starting to smirk...poor Hubby, beside 2 parents and their toddler for a 4 hour flight....and this is a small plane...there aren't 4 seats there are only 3 and Mom and dad will have to hold the toddler in the said confined space for the duration of the flight.
Let me stop here.....I hereby now apologize to all the passengers on any and all flights we travelled on with our children when they were small. God rest your souls.
I know it sounds like I don't have any tolerance for small children.....well I don't, mine were fine, it's just everyone else's. but I do, I've had 4 of my own and I have grandkids. That almost makes me an expert. I could write a book, trust me.
So as I said, I'm smirking....then I get a glimpse of the remaining smirk changed to the look of a convicted killer walking the Green Mile to the electric chair. Try and envision.....6 seats, 3 and 3 divided by a 18 inch aisle....there are Grandma and Grandpa and my seat (by the aisle) (let it be noted that I'm suppose to have the middle seat) and directly across from me....the daughter, son in law,and not one... but 2 children under the age of 2.... a male toddler  and about a 6 month old baby girl. I know what these AH's have done...they picked the window and aisle on each side in the hopes that no one sits in the middle seat and that they will have an extra seat for the whole ride home! Well that works if the flight isn't full- asshole. AND they clearly tell you not to do that on the website when you are selecting your seat- asshole. I should have asked the grandparents to move and let me have my middle seat just to spite, but of course I'm nice and dutifully took my seat on the aisle.
So for Dear Hubby, the flight is no problem Mon as he's been sipping on beer since we got up and could sleep thru the destruction of the Berlin he's right out of it the minute we have liftoff. Myself....not so much. I'm thinking, OK I can get the headphones on blasting and watch the film. *(_)*(&&^*&)(*)(* What airline selects "How to Tame Your Dragon" as the featured film...really!
 No word of a lie, for four straight hours, said children screamed and cried at the top of lungs, and said grandparents and parents passed everything, including said children, excluding the kitchen sink back and forth across the aisle in front of me. In the seat ahead of Dear Hubby was the cutest 5 year old with curly hair who turned out to have ADHD and stood bouncing up and down on the seat the entire duration of the flight with the exception of take off and landing while he was harnessed down. Dear Hubby would have  no recollection of the incidents as I looked over mid flight and he was down for the count. How is it men can do that?
 At one point I actually considered getting off the plane mid flight but I was worried Dear Hubby would wake up and wonder where I was.
Which brings me to mirrors AND cover ups. These were invented for a reason ladies! I could not believe the sights I saw around the resort specifically the pool! Ladies, do you not check the rear view mirror before you leave the room? Wow, I cannot believe what curvy,plump,voluptuous, rubenesque,  larger and or elderly wrinkled woman will parade around in. I'm not talking one piece swim suits, I'm talking 2 piece and bikinis. I wouldn't be caught dead in some of these outfits. Sometimes it was hard to see the fabric for all the rolls...and I don't mean bread.  When you look like a stuffed sausage or that you've just eaten your best  friend, you should be wearing a coverup ladies.While on vacation you can expect to put on a few pounds, I usually come back, get on the scale and say "crap, I'm up 5  pounds", but there's a big difference between 5 and 500.  And tattoos....don't get me started. tats are fine on men and tastefully done can look fine on woman, but when you look like "Throw Momma from the train" as Dear Hubby described her, and you have a 10 inch tattoo of Jesus's face inked on your right upper quadrant......come on.
Well, I'm happy to be home and winding up for the holiday season ahead. All the joys of Christmas crammed into the next 2 weeks, Oh Joy.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the morning chuckle! I can visualilze your vacation, having been in similar situations! We were on a cruise to Greece and much of the ship occupants were Italian or Slavic or some other such nationality and the rolls hanging out were, well, interesting to say the least. And rude, so much shoving and pushing to get to the food trough. Glad you had fun!