Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Retirement eh?

Last night, middle of the night, 2:30am,  I hear Dear Hubby up for a bathroom break. Usually he is right back to bed, however not this night, I hear him doing the shuffle. Into the  living room, to look out the window, down the hall, to check the room for evidence and back into the kitchen, to contemplate. I know exactly what he's doing, he's done it with all our kids, he's checking. Checking to make sure they are nestled all snug in their beds. I know one of them is not... as he is not back in bed. I get up. He's in front of the computer and getting ready to send an e-mail, when I say...
"Don't send it that way, he won't answer that. I'll send a text on my phone." They are more likely to respond to me than their dad, it's just the way it is. Dear Hubby is a retired police officer so keeping tabs on kids and worrying more than normal is just his second nature, regardless that he is retired. When I nag about his nagging the kids, his first response is always, ..."if you'd seen the things that I've seen".
I haven't, so I can't quite comprehend his thought process.
"I've sent it, he'll answer, come back to bed." So we're back in bed, the room is dark, except for the glow from my IPhone. We are listening and waiting. Now I'm starting to worry, thinking all the worst case scenario tragedies. Dear Eldest son has a motorcycle, a parent's worst nightmare. He is a very responsible 26 year old, a good head on his shoulder, bought the bike to save money during the summer months driving to work. I remember when he bought the bike, I hit the roof. I yelled told him..."Oh that's going to be a nice way for dad and I to spend our retirement, visiting you at the nursing home and feeding our vegetable every lunchtime." I can get nasty when I need to...maybe it was a little extreme.
As I am imagining horrid things, I hear a noise, then another. I nudge Dear Hubby "did you hear that?"... "Ya, he's home".
I roll over and proceed to finish my restful sleep. After what seems like about 10 minutes, I still hear noises and nudge Dear Hubby again. " Are you sure that was him?".... "Yes I saw the car".... " The car?, I thought he took his bike?".... "It's Nick".... "Nick ....  )(*_!*#!)*#_*&_$&_)"
Here I thought it was the Dear Eldest Son, MIA when it's the Sweet Youngest Son causing havoc with our sleep patterns! He's 20, he's was driving my car! He's dead meat!  3 AM! Plus I sent a weird text to the oldest son in error! Just wait til I get up in the morning!
So now I'm laying there, wide awake. Dear Hubby is already gone and snoring as usual and the dog, at the bottom of the bed, is proceeding with a doggie nightmare. Both of them are back and forth...a snore, a whimper, a louder snore, a soft doggie bark, then all hell breaks loose and it's like I'm in an opera house listening to Beethoven's 5th with full orchestra. The dog is quietly barking in his sleep and Dear hubby is in full snore mode. The both reach a climactic crescendo at the same time and the whole room quietens.
As I lay there, wondering how the hell I got here, unable to doze off, a few thoughts come to mind.....

Do you know that 80% of women whose husbands snore, consider assisted suicide For their spouses.

Dearest Sweet Youngest son is getting THE talk tomorrow...The keep your pecker in your pants talk. The one that stresses condoms, safe sex, and the burden of children. We haven't had that talk in a while, so timing seems perfect. Why else would he be out til 3 in the morning, he's the good child that only does work, the Y, and school. Obviously there is a female involved at 3 in the morning. I usually add in a few extras about sexually transmitted diseases that cause the male important parts to swell up, shrivel down and then fall off...just for the visual, scare the hell out of him talk. Then I go on to the touch the heart saga..."Nice girls wait until marriage and you want to make sure you bring a nice girl home to meet your Mom."  Plus I add in that I don't want any more grandchildren ever in the near future, we want to enjoy just the 2 we have. Which is sort of the truth. 

Which brings me to thoughts of grandkids, God bless their little holy terror hearts. They are coming tomorrow for 3 days, including overnights, as Dear Youngest daughter is on shift and we  I agreed to help out .
I'm envisioning how I might  get even a little quilting done with a 2 and 4 year old in the house. There are no nap times as the littlest holy terror  one will be up til 11 at night if he naps...trust me, we've been witness to the exorcism. I would rather not lay him down in the afternoon than go through what transpires in the evenings. So, no nappie, but 7 o'clock bedtime...awesome. More random thoughts are going through my head as to how I could steal away a few minutes to get in front of the sewing machine, but I envision the 4 year old blabbing to his mother when she picks them up that he didn't like Nana's game, of being tied up and gagged. The younger hellion  one would be no problem as you can't quite understand what he is saying yet. Oh...bad Nana, bad Nana...sounds like banana. Works for me.

My thoughts wander to Mmmmm. What about supper. I think that recipe for the Greek meatloaf will be quite tasty tomorrow night....served in Gyro's with tzatziki sauce. I love to try new things and it looked so delicious in the book. I can imagine how impressed Dear Hubby will be...he loves lamb and Greek food...When I ask he'll probably say something like...."It was OK, but don't make it again" ...translation to English...Stick to your regulars and don't make that _ _ _ _ again. 

So this is what retirement looks like, I really can't see anything, it's pitch black in the room....no wonder I have difficulty carving out time to quilt....2 of 4 kids still at home, sleep deprivation, meal planning 101, sex therapy discussions, time management issues, nanny daycare and the list goes on and on....I'm so tired

Then there is the text that was sent at 3 in the morning....I'm trying to think of a good explanation as to what the text "R U OK" at 3 in the morning to Dear Eldest Son means when he asks....I think I can get away with ..."Son, it was just a random thought I wanted to share with you. It's an acronym for 
retirement... useless... overrated, kiddo."  

It's now 4am...I might as well get up and quilt!


  1. I love your wy with words. We have a bit in common. I can so relate to your story.

  2. Sometimes I think we are the only dysfunctional family, it's comforting to know that there are others out there having as much fun as we are....Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments, Leslie